If you’ve been the victim of infidelity, you’ve probably wondered why he cheated. You will ask yourself that question dozens of times, and you may even believe that learning why the affair occurred will prevent it from happening again or relieve the pain you are experiencing.
The truth is that knowing “why” will not prevent it from happening again, nor will it lessen your pain. So why not? Because you’re not a liar. Understanding a cheater’s motivation will not allow you to control what they do. And understanding will never take away your pain.
If you have respected the boundaries of your marriage, you may never fully understand why a man would go outside the marriage for sex. The cheater cheats as a result of an internal character flaw. He operates under the mistaken belief that leaving his marriage will solve his problems or meet his needs in some way.
Here are 8 of the most common reasons why men cheat:
1. Needs Aren’t Met
Some men cheat because their needs are not being met within the marriage. They have the erroneous belief that leaving the marriage is acceptable. They have their “needs” met, their marriage remains intact, and they delude themselves into thinking that no one is harmed as long as their wife is unaware.
2. No Boundaries
Some men do not respect boundaries. They are aware that marriage imposes certain sexual boundaries, but they feel little guilt when they cross those boundaries.
3. Extra on the Side
Some men enjoy having something extra on the side. They can’t seem to pass up an opportunity for a little “thrill.” The act of cheating has less to do with the actual sex and more to do with the fact that cheating is taboo.
4. Feeling Attractive
Some men believe that if they decline a sexual invitation, they are not real men. They define their “manhood” based on their attractiveness to the opposite sex. The more attention and offers they receive, the more manly they feel. In terms of self-esteem, these men are bankrupt!
5. Secret Desires
Some cheat in order to conceal a secret. For example, consider the man who is bisexual but has not told his wife. He may love his spouse and want to keep his marriage together, but he will meet his own needs. Maybe a man has a kinky fetish that his wife doesn’t approve of… he may go outside the marriage to satisfy his sexual desires.
He is tired of the same old, same old: Some men cheat on their wives or girlfriends because they are tired of the monotony at home, whether in the bedroom or in everyday life.
7. Weaker Sex
He is the weaker sex: We’ve all heard the joke about the weaker sex, but it’s possible that it’s not a joke at all. Even though this phrase is always used to refer to women, men are the weaker sex. I’m using this in the context of men because men are very easily seduced by women.
The fact that men are visual creatures does not help matters. All it takes for a woman to show some skin and make a few seductive gestures to hook a guy, and he won’t know what hit him. Most people simply lack the emotional fortitude required to decline a clear invitation.
Whatever the reason, it is the cheaters’ responsibility. If a man’s needs are not being met in his marriage, it is his responsibility to solve the problem without involving a third party.
If a man struggles with low self-esteem or boundaries, it is not his wife’s responsibility to bear the consequences. If you’ve been the victim of infidelity, your husband has most likely blamed you in some way.
I don’t agree with “being a victim” or accepting responsibility for the actions of others. If your husband has cheated and tries to blame it on marital problems, remind him that you were in the same troubled marriage and chose not to cheat. A decision he could have made for himself. It’s a decision he made, not you.
If he refuses to accept responsibility, it may be time to get a divorce.
Signs that your Husband is cheating
The following signs are not absolute proof that your partner is cheating. However, if several signs are present, you may be dealing with infidelity.
- Your husband becomes more withdrawn, closed off, and/or emotionally disconnected.
- You notice significant changes in his behavior (i.e., his schedule or his general behavior).
- You have the impression that you are having difficulty getting complete information from him about certain topics.
- When you bring up a specific person or instance that appears suspicious, he becomes defensive, or in some cases, vague and dismissive.
- He is suddenly putting more effort into his appearance, possibly before going to work or going out.
- He appears to be very enthusiastic about another person.
- He is less sexually attracted to you or is less interested and excited by you.
- Your husband suddenly seems extra nice, as if he’s trying to make up for something.
- He is not accountable for how he spends their time (and in some cases, their money).
- He doesn’t want to talk about what he was doing for long stretches of time.
- He appears to be more irritated or judgmental of you on a regular basis.
- There has been a significant decrease in his sexual interest. He may have more trouble obtaining and/or maintaining an erection, as well as an orgasm.
- Physical evidence, such as emails or texts left open, an earring left behind, or condoms in their wallet, is also useful.